Dealing With Conflict
What do you think of when you hear the word conflict? I would imagine most people get an uneasy feeling. They likely recall broken relationships and words they wish had not been said. Because conflict can mean different things to different people, I would like to define it for us. Conflict is “a state of disagreement or disharmony between persons or ideas; a clash." The truth is that we all experience conflict in one way or another—it is impossible to avoid, however much we might like to. But I am going to suggest that experiencing conflict is actually good for us.
As adults, we understand how uncomfortable situations are often good for us. We may not prefer broccoli, but we likely eat it anyway because we know that it is good for us. As we consume more broccoli over time, we might actually grow to enjoy it. If we apply this same concept to our spiritual lives, we would intentionally seek God in the difficulty because we know it is good for us. There are many examples of this dynamic in the Bible. Take, for example, the account of Jesus calming the storm in Mark 4:35-41. Do you think Jesus didn’t see that storm coming? I would contend that the storm was not just an inconvenience on the way to where they were supposed to be. The middle of the storm is precisely where they were supposed to be. Why would they need to be there at that particular time? Couldn’t Jesus have just timed it better and avoided the storm? Jesus used that opportunity to teach the disciples about their lack of faith. Spiritual growth happened because of conflict. God used a painful and even a seemingly dangerous situation for His glory and their good.
It can be really easy to say, “God uses all things for His glory and for my good.” But, do we really believe that God uses disharmony for His glory and for our good? That is harder to believe because of how we have handled tension and disagreements poorly in the past. It is likely the case that we try to avoid difficult conversations because many times they end in hurt feelings. There are people that we avoid certain topics with.
What would it look like if we said, “I don’t prefer conflict/tension but I know God has something good for me in this?” What if God is trying to call out a lack of faith in the context of my anger and frustration? What if the conflict was just a venue for us to practice humbly seeking Jesus and serving others?
I think that something that often gets in the way of restoration and joy in this area of life is that we are quick to defend our honor or respond according to our feelings. Let me illustrate it with a totally made us scenario that I’m sure has definitely never happened in a marriage before…
W: “You never pick up your socks! I do everything around here! When will you start helping out?” (trying to communicate through hurt feelings)
H: *my honor and reputation are called into question. I am definitely not lazy! I will just angrily list all of my accomplishments in the week, and then she will feel better. “Are you kidding me? What do you think I am doing all day, playing games? Do you think my job is easy?”
Rather than listening to and addressing the concerns of the other person, we end up in a place where we have all been. This confrontation will probably devolve into a shouting match or maybe the silent treatment. The core issue will likely go unaddressed. Why does she feel alone or isolated? Does she actually feel that way? He probably won’t even think to address her feelings because his attention is now on defending himself.
What does it look like to submit to God in the setting of conflict? We need to remember some core truths:
1. I am here as an instrument of the righteousness of God.
2. The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
3. I need God in the settling of conflict. He is the only way I will be able to respond in love.
4. Be quick to hear and slow to speak. God designed it this way so we could be praying for the other person, our mouth and our heart.
Do we care about winning the argument or seizing the opportunity to address areas of unbelief in our own heart? Do we care about the heart of the other person in that moment? If our purpose in the middle of conflict is to confront faith issues in our own heart and care for the hearts of others, what should these conversations look like? The following examples demonstrate some practical ways to shepherd and care for hearts in the middle of a tense setting while also addressing the core issues.
Example 1:
W: “You never pick up your socks! I do everything around here! When will you start helping out?”
H: “I do regularly take my socks off and leave them on the floor and I can see how that would have some effect on you. When you see my socks on the floor how does that make you feel?”*This response takes ownership and immediately starts caring for and addressing the feelings of the other person. There is no need to defend yourself if you love and trust the other person!
W: “I put a lot of work into keeping our house presentable. I feel like I am doing it alone though.”
H: “I am sorry that my actions made you feel that way. I really do value your ability to keep our family running!”
Example 2:
W: “When you leave your socks on the floor, I feel like you don’t appreciate what I have gone through to keep our house in order.” *Address how the action affected you rather than the action alone.
H: “I am sorry. I didn’t know that made you feel that way. That definitely wasn’t my intention.”
If our main objective is to address the offending action (socks on the floor), we run the risk of encouraging behavior modification without ever addressing the core issue of the heart (am I loved and appreciated by my spouse?). Many times we will deny or justify the action. “I should be able to take off my socks anywhere” or “I don’t do that very often.” Keep the focus on the heart that was hurt and not on the offending action. When we show that we were hurt, the other person that cares for us sees us hurting and it gives them the opportunity to address our injured feelings. Conflict and hurt feelings are a part of our lives for the purpose of pointing us to Jesus.
While this is not a comprehensive guide to handling conflict, it should point us to the fact that God has something for us even in the most uncomfortable situations! Some have even asked is conflict even necessary, “why not just forgive and let it go?” I agree. However, I need to understand that I cannot even forgive apart from God. I need Him every moment of every day. As God’s love flows through us and falls on the people around us, that often is seen in the way we speak and act toward each other. We should not avoid a conversation because we chose the “loving option.” We should love others and that will be evident in the way we speak to each other.
Remember what John wrote in 1 John 3:11 — “For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.”
Because of Christ,
Jon Tegg
As adults, we understand how uncomfortable situations are often good for us. We may not prefer broccoli, but we likely eat it anyway because we know that it is good for us. As we consume more broccoli over time, we might actually grow to enjoy it. If we apply this same concept to our spiritual lives, we would intentionally seek God in the difficulty because we know it is good for us. There are many examples of this dynamic in the Bible. Take, for example, the account of Jesus calming the storm in Mark 4:35-41. Do you think Jesus didn’t see that storm coming? I would contend that the storm was not just an inconvenience on the way to where they were supposed to be. The middle of the storm is precisely where they were supposed to be. Why would they need to be there at that particular time? Couldn’t Jesus have just timed it better and avoided the storm? Jesus used that opportunity to teach the disciples about their lack of faith. Spiritual growth happened because of conflict. God used a painful and even a seemingly dangerous situation for His glory and their good.
It can be really easy to say, “God uses all things for His glory and for my good.” But, do we really believe that God uses disharmony for His glory and for our good? That is harder to believe because of how we have handled tension and disagreements poorly in the past. It is likely the case that we try to avoid difficult conversations because many times they end in hurt feelings. There are people that we avoid certain topics with.
What would it look like if we said, “I don’t prefer conflict/tension but I know God has something good for me in this?” What if God is trying to call out a lack of faith in the context of my anger and frustration? What if the conflict was just a venue for us to practice humbly seeking Jesus and serving others?
I think that something that often gets in the way of restoration and joy in this area of life is that we are quick to defend our honor or respond according to our feelings. Let me illustrate it with a totally made us scenario that I’m sure has definitely never happened in a marriage before…
W: “You never pick up your socks! I do everything around here! When will you start helping out?” (trying to communicate through hurt feelings)
H: *my honor and reputation are called into question. I am definitely not lazy! I will just angrily list all of my accomplishments in the week, and then she will feel better. “Are you kidding me? What do you think I am doing all day, playing games? Do you think my job is easy?”
Rather than listening to and addressing the concerns of the other person, we end up in a place where we have all been. This confrontation will probably devolve into a shouting match or maybe the silent treatment. The core issue will likely go unaddressed. Why does she feel alone or isolated? Does she actually feel that way? He probably won’t even think to address her feelings because his attention is now on defending himself.
What does it look like to submit to God in the setting of conflict? We need to remember some core truths:
1. I am here as an instrument of the righteousness of God.
2. The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
3. I need God in the settling of conflict. He is the only way I will be able to respond in love.
4. Be quick to hear and slow to speak. God designed it this way so we could be praying for the other person, our mouth and our heart.
Do we care about winning the argument or seizing the opportunity to address areas of unbelief in our own heart? Do we care about the heart of the other person in that moment? If our purpose in the middle of conflict is to confront faith issues in our own heart and care for the hearts of others, what should these conversations look like? The following examples demonstrate some practical ways to shepherd and care for hearts in the middle of a tense setting while also addressing the core issues.
Example 1:
W: “You never pick up your socks! I do everything around here! When will you start helping out?”
H: “I do regularly take my socks off and leave them on the floor and I can see how that would have some effect on you. When you see my socks on the floor how does that make you feel?”*This response takes ownership and immediately starts caring for and addressing the feelings of the other person. There is no need to defend yourself if you love and trust the other person!
W: “I put a lot of work into keeping our house presentable. I feel like I am doing it alone though.”
H: “I am sorry that my actions made you feel that way. I really do value your ability to keep our family running!”
Example 2:
W: “When you leave your socks on the floor, I feel like you don’t appreciate what I have gone through to keep our house in order.” *Address how the action affected you rather than the action alone.
H: “I am sorry. I didn’t know that made you feel that way. That definitely wasn’t my intention.”
If our main objective is to address the offending action (socks on the floor), we run the risk of encouraging behavior modification without ever addressing the core issue of the heart (am I loved and appreciated by my spouse?). Many times we will deny or justify the action. “I should be able to take off my socks anywhere” or “I don’t do that very often.” Keep the focus on the heart that was hurt and not on the offending action. When we show that we were hurt, the other person that cares for us sees us hurting and it gives them the opportunity to address our injured feelings. Conflict and hurt feelings are a part of our lives for the purpose of pointing us to Jesus.
While this is not a comprehensive guide to handling conflict, it should point us to the fact that God has something for us even in the most uncomfortable situations! Some have even asked is conflict even necessary, “why not just forgive and let it go?” I agree. However, I need to understand that I cannot even forgive apart from God. I need Him every moment of every day. As God’s love flows through us and falls on the people around us, that often is seen in the way we speak and act toward each other. We should not avoid a conversation because we chose the “loving option.” We should love others and that will be evident in the way we speak to each other.
Remember what John wrote in 1 John 3:11 — “For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.”
Because of Christ,
Jon Tegg
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